The Baby That Never Had a Chance.....

I was so excited about telling the world that baby number 5 was on it's way.

Last Sunday I started bleeding, it started off like spotting and I tried not to be too worried.

I rang up the EPU to get a scan booked in, they could see me the next morning.

Tuesday morning came around far too slowly.

I spent most of Monday too scared to go to the toilet for what I might see at the bottom of the toilet bowl.

I had both a tummy scan and an internal scan.

They could see no sign a of baby.

I had done 5 ... 5 bloody tests all of which were positive.

No matter how much I didn't feel pregnant after the first one, they still kept showing me I was.

The sister explained, this could have been because the pregnancy didn't progress as I thought it was progressing and ended very early on or it could mean there may be a pregnancy going on outside the womb.

I was sent off for bloods and then told to go home and wait for the results.

Again it was another day spent far too scared to go to the toilet and I tried my hardest not too as I was starting to see clots come away.

The results came in, in the afternoon and it was still showing I was pregnant.

Ectopic pregnancy was then discussed and I was told they would need to see me again on Thursday for further bloods.

Jon was away in London whilst this was going on, so I was home alone dealing with the boys as well as everything racing around my mind.

In a way it was good, as I was kept busy and I wasn't really able to sit and think about it.

Thursday came and more bloods were taken, the results didn't come back as quickly and I found myself hounding the EPU as I just needed to know.

Jon was going in for his second back operation and the boys were really starting to play up.

I was on the edge of cracking, but I had to stay strong.

I eventually had a call at 5pm and the results were still showing pregnancy hormones present but not high enough for them to be in the danger zone and be a sign on an ectopic.

I was having a miscarriage.

I could now actually start mourning the loss of the baby that never was.

I have cried, 

I have been ok,

 I have thought about the last time this happened, 

I have been fine and cried some more and now I am just angry!

I am angry at myself for getting so excited, 

I'm angry that I told people about baby number 5,

 I'm angry that I got so excited and started buying things for baby number 5!

I am just angry!

This has happened before I should know by now alway alway always wait until the first scan.

Make sure everything is ok before I get my hopes up.

I am angry and so so gutted that baby number 5 never really had a chance.